Conflict is inevitable. Each of us has our own perceptions, biases, values, and life experiences that shape who we are. What we see, think, feel, and assume about every situation will differ from that of others. This is a good thing when it enables respectful and trustful engagement around a diversity of ideas and the facilitation of understanding, learning and better decision making (effective conflict). This is a bad thing when it creates an unresolved situation where peoples’ health or sense of self worth is negatively impacted or there is disruption in the workplace (ineffective conflict). Ineffective conflict is especially significant in health care where the nature of the workplace environment impacts patient safety.
There are several classifications of conflict. Relationship conflicts involve difficult interactions on a person-to-person level. These conflicts are often the ones that prevent us from sleeping at night and distract us during the day. One way to work at resolving a relationship conflict is to have a ‘Difficult Conversation’. You will need to have the conversation first with yourself and then with the other person.
A Difficult Conversation (DC) has several characteristics. It is a conversation where there is risk, the issue is important, the impact is personal, emotions are involved, the perceptions and conclusions made by each party likely differ from the facts, and it is a conversation that you really don’t want to have. A Difficult Conversation is about discussing what matters to you. It is about learning and understanding the other person and the issues from their perspective; it not about judgements and self justification. Here is a structure that may help you work through a relationship conflict through the process of a having a Difficult Conversation.
The DC process begins with a conversation you have with yourself. Try the See, Think, Feel approach. Visualize (See) what happened during the conflict(s), objectively recalling to your mind’s eye the physical environment, body language, facial expressions, etc. This puts you back into the moment of the conflict. This is an uncomfortable place to be. What can you learn from what you saw in the other person during the conflict? What does this tell you about what they saw in you? What would you differently if the same situation were to arise again?
Now move to the Think step and be honest about what you thought during the conflict. Make a distinction between facts and any conclusions or assumptions you have made. This is not easy, but since you are having this conversation with yourself you can be objective and honest. It is human nature to attribute a negative intent to another person’s actions or words; recognize this in you. That is why conclusions and assumptions during a conflict are important to clarify and identify as such. ‘Think’ is where you will start to understand your own contribution to the conflict. It is important to remember that it is the impact of words or actions on another person that matters to them, not your intent. Other people do not know your intent; all they see, think about and feel is the impact. What do you think the other person in your conflict might have been thinking; what conclusions and assumptions might they have made about you? What would you differently if the same situation were to arise again?
Explore Feel next. What emotions did you feel and why did you feel them? There are probably multiple emotions; fear, anger, frustration, helplessness, anxiety, etc. A person caught in emotion looses cognitive ability. That means that a person struggling with emotions is not listening; they are not understanding or acknowledging the other person’s ideas or feelings. Hence the conflict. Clarity around emotions is important because it helps to control them later. Uncontrolled emotions can erupt without warning and at inappropriate times. What would you do differently if the same situation were to arise again?
Give yourself the time and space to have this DC with yourself. You may find the conflict is within you and not between you and another person. If you decide to have a conversation with the other person in the conflict relationship, there are some things to consider.
Be clear and realistic on the ideal outcome of the conversation. What are you hoping to accomplish? The goal should reflect that an improved relationship is desired. If your intent is to change the other person, to self justify your own position, or to use it as a forum to say everything you want to say, then this is not a DC as described above, but a DC where D stands for Disaster. A Difficult Conversation is a conversation between partners (rather than opponents) who have agreed to come together to resolve conflict through mutual learning, respect, acknowledgement of each other’s views and emotions, and through understanding. Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People tells us “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” and this relevant advice when setting goals for a DC.
Plan and practice the key messages you would like to convey in the conversation. The messages need to be supportive of the outcome you have set for the meeting. Expect the conversation to be difficult and identify your specific fears. Anticipate what might be said in the meeting and be prepared to respond. You cannot control another person’s behaviours, thoughts or words; you can only control your own.
Susan Thomas
Manager, Divisions of Medical Biochemistry and Hematopathology
Royal Columbian Hospital
Fraser Health Authority